Far-from-the-Runway Runaway Thoughts

Fall fashion season is here. The runways are overflowing with willowy models and haute couture commentary. So, who am I, admittedly un-chic, un-willowy, to offer my own runaway thoughts about fashion and style? Just a middle-aged muddling mom (MAMM) with a far-from-the-runway point-of-view!

Post-Emmy Fashion Thoughts

The Emmys are over. WHO! WORE!! WHAT!!! has been discussed ad nauseam. Yet, still, I offer three MAMM points of commentary:

People Magazine proclaimed that Jessica Biel “rocked” a flowy yellow dress at the Emmys afterparties. I quibble over two words – rocked and afterparties. Never in my life, even way back when I was sort of cute, did anyone ever say I “rocked” a dress. And would I have wanted to? Rocking a dress sounds more Wilma Flintstone Stone Age cartoonish than 2018 fashion chic!

Second, “afterparties” – plural? Why these days, Handsome Hubby and I barely drag our weary butts out the door to the main event, no less to one “afterparty,” and definitely not to two! Oh, well.

Third, multiple articles made note of Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake going on a “glam” date. Now I admit, while I never “rocked” a frock, HH cut a pretty mean figure in his tuxedo back in the day. (You could even say he “rocked” a tux! Yabba dabba doo!) Still, I don’t think anybody ever said, “Wow, they must be on a “glam” date! I guess life is different in our hometowns of Reno and Las Vegas than Hollywood!

Do You Scarf?

It is a scientific fact – There are two kinds of women in the world – those who can scarf and those who cannot. It goes without saying which camp I fall into. My niece, on the other hand, is a scarf-tying person par excellence! (She also is a world-renowned orthopedic surgeon and researcher, national champion horsewoman, great mom and wife, good daughter, and kind person, but those things pale in comparison to her epic scarf style achievements!)

I have watched countless videos on how to cleverly wrap scarfs. I have read dozens of articles about how to cunningly drape scarfs. And I have stood in front of my mirror frustrated and forlorn, near choking myself in an attempt to look chic. If Heaven forbid, I actually die in a scarf practice session, please assure Handsome Hubby, my children, the coroner, and the media that the cause was not Autoerotic Asphyxiation – i.e. “the intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain for sexual arousal,” the cause of a number of celebrity-related deaths! It was just a tragic case of scarf-ineptitude.

Torn, but Not Tattoo-ed

I am, meanwhile, sliding down a slippery fashion slope. No, I have not succumbed to getting a tattoo. There are limits! But I have done something else I swore I never would do. I now wear torn jeans and think I am, oh, so cool! Every time I don my hipster jeans, HH just smiles and laughs … and asks if I need directions to the nearest “ink” shop!

Namaste Yoga Pants

On the subject of unfashionable, can we all just say “Namaste” or at least “no” to yoga pants outside yoga studios or the privacy of our own homes? I admit they are the comfort equivalent of Nirvana, but the bottom line? They do not flatter most women’s bottom lines!

If you agree, please recite the following pledge out loud:

Yoga pants …
I will not wear them with my aunt.
I will not wear them while killing ants.
I will not wear them in a car.
I will not wear them talking to my confidants.
Now kindly join me in this yoga rant!

A Tripped-up Fashion Plea!

HH and I are soon going on an amazing trip to Vietnam and Cambodia. It’s exciting, but right now I’m struggling with the eternal “what to wear” conundrum. Presently I possess two distinct wardrobes – my NYC/DC power suits and my San Francisco Bay “where it’s at,” but always chilly chill clothes. Pin-stripe and baggy sweaters are just not the “look” I’m looking for!

To state the obvious, Southeast Asia seems a world away and yet, going clothes shopping seems such an ordeal! First of all, there’s the un-fun fundamental “what to pick” dilemma. Then there’s the bigger question – the one filled with self-pity and doubt – “What should chubby me, who doesn’t look good in anything these days, wear?” And, of course, there’s the sticker shock. “This little shirt costs how much? That’s ridiculous!” Shopping – it’s too complicated for this once fashionable, now MAMM.

Any helpful hints, my dear Middle-aged Muddlers? I need shopping guidance and inspiration! What to wear? What to pack?